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              I care about what people think of me. I get shy, embarrassed, and ashamed; if something gets out that I don’t want out. I just want to fit into the crowd, go with the flow, and just be a follower, because I’m too weak to be a leader. I go day by day with the same pattern. I wake up, go to school, do work, talk with friends, go home, do homework, maybe go to the movies every once in a while, go on the computer, watch TV, shower, and go to sleep. But is that all my life is? Meaningless patterns going on and on like rewinding a song? Or am I called to do something else? Something more then what I am living now. Yes, I am. But I’ve been too ashamed to share it! But why should I be ashamed? Is it because not everyone believes in it? Is it because not everyone will be so nice about it? Or maybe it’s another reason that I don’t even know. What I do know is that it’s not my job to keep it a secret. Because that job is already being done well enough already. My job is to make sure that secret gets out! My job is to make sure that it is not hidden underneath all the proof that people look over all the time! My job is to tell the world about Jesus! But fear is holding me back. Fear is one of my many enemies. But My God is stronger than my fear. My God is stronger than anything that tries to hold me back. I need to have a burning passion to tell my friends, family, and even people I do not know, about Jesus. Yes, it’s not normal. But my life was not meant to be lived a normal life. My life was made to bring Jesus glory in everything He does. But I also show His glory in how I live. Just as the water reflects my face, my life will reflect my heart. People will see the way I live my life and say, “What is it about her?” That is what Jesus wants for us. Jesus wants us to be so on fire for Him, that people will be able to see it in our everyday activities! Yes, I know we can’t be perfect, I know I am not perfect. I sin against God so many times. A lot more than most people can think. But that is OK. Jesus will be there to pick me up when I fall. That does not mean I can sin whenever I want and just ask for forgiveness. That would be abusing his gift to us. We do not deserve it, but He gives it to us freely. All because He loves us. Now how can I keep something like that a secret!? How can I keep that to myself? I need to rise up against the world, and start being the leader that Christ wants me to be. By following what Christ wants me to do, I can become a leader. If there is ever a reason why someone would make me feel ashamed or shy or embarrassed, I know that I am just doing my job as a Christian. I can’t let the world stand in my way. I was not meant to be conformed, but transformed. Transformed in His image. That’s what I am doing. I am being transformed into the women of God He has called me to be.

John 16: 33–> “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.“

People cannot flourish with their problems,
They can’t succeed if they lack faith,
Harms will take control of them,
The mind will make the heart feel shame

Our minds will play with all our thoughts,
Till we forget what Jesus did,
His healings, visions, and his love;
We can’t forget what Jesus did! 

I felt so sick not feeling Him,
Lover, I was of every girl,
Seeker of love but not of His,
Let down I was by my own sins.

Till I stood there before the Lord
And made the promise of my life,
I gave up all I was before
It was a miracle I cried!

I saw that God was there with me
Christ did not leave me here alone
Now I can see that these conflicts,
Are meant for us to seek him more.

If we believe in Jesus Christ,
His love will find and nurture us,
And teach us how to speak of Him
And give such wisdom to our hearts

Problems will keep consuming us,
Will we allow and let ourselves,
To become lied to by this hell
Be consumed of the lies they tell.
Problems will not stop hurting us,
As kids of God we’ll seek revenge,
Satan will play with all our thoughts,
All the lost souls, we must avenge. 

So yes, we’ll have tribulation,
But be of cheer all of the time,
Jesus removed all temptation,
Jesus rose to give us this life.

…Speaking of trying to learn something new… That year I re-learned how to drop in to a ramp on a skateboard. I started on the smallest ramp which was only a roll-in. Meaning you didn’t necessarily need to actually “drop in” to go down it, you just rolled up to it. I mastered those and moved on to a small, two-foot-tall drop in ramp. I was extremely scared to try to go down because I knew I’d fall. I had a counselor there though, Sam, who helped me get through it and encouraged me to try it. With his help I made it down that ramp and another, foot taller one. I got confident enough in my skills that I decided I wanted to try to drop in to the half pipe. I thought it would be as easy as the other ramps turned out to be, but I ended up standing at the top for about twenty minutes.

The only thing that got me down from there without being a wimp was another counselor, Ricker, who offered me free pizza if I went down the ramp in the next five seconds. So I stood up there, contemplating whether free pizza was really worth the pain I was expecting, all the while Ricker was counting down from five. When he got to one, I threw myself down the ramp and actually didn’t fall. I made it down, unscathed. I was so proud of myself. Now where was my pizza?

The next day when I came back, I practiced the other ramps for a while until Sam decided that I should go on the next highest ramp. The ramp was a three set, meaning that it was composed of three ramps in one. The ramp in the middle was a roll in and was only maybe four feet tall; nothing. The two ramps on either side of that ramp though, were six feet tall. From the ground, that looked like an easy task. Until I climbed up there. I ended up standing at the top for longer than I had on any other ramp; I was scared out of my mind. Sam was there the entire time encouraging me and telling me I could do it so I finally took his word for it and went for the gold.

I got the pavement. I had leaned too far to one side, which is exactly what you want to avoid when you’re dropping in so I slammed down on my hip and skidded across the concrete. All I could do at first was just lie there and try not to cry in front of all the guys. Sam came rushing over, along with the head of Extreme Sports, Scott and other counselors James and Andrew. I had a huge crush on Andrew so I didn’t want him thinking I was just like all the other girls so I sat up. My hip hurt so badly. They all asked me if I was okay and if I could walk so I tried to get up. As soon as I stood, a bolt of pain went down my leg but I ignored it. I “walked it off” as they put it and went back to skating.

I decided I didn’t want to go anywhere near that ramp again for the rest of my time at camp so I went back to what I already knew; the half pipe. I wanted to learn a new trick, the rock to fakie. To do this, you have to drop in to the half pipe, ride up the other side, let the trucks of the skateboard go up over the coping of the ramp, and then let them come back off the coping and ride back down. I’d always get to about halfway through, and my trucks would get stuck on the coping and I’d fall. On the same hip I’d just mangled. Once I had had enough pain for the day and it was time to go back to the bunk, I decided to see how bad the damage was on my hip.

I really wish I hadn’t looked.

There was an enormous scrape all along my hip and part of my leg, along with a nice massive purple and blue bruise to accompany it. I poked it to see if it hurt as bad as it looked. I shouldn’t have. As soon as I even lightly grazed the bruise or scrape, my vision blurred because of how bad the pain was. There was nothing I could do about it though, but let it heal on its own.

And heal it did, but not correctly. I bruised the bone, which I didn’t even know was possible until then. From falling so many times on the same spot, and scraping off most of the skin in that area, I no longer could feel anything on the top of the skin, but the bone itself never stopped hurting. There were good days and bad days with it; sometimes it didn’t hurt at all and some days I couldn’t walk. I got used to it.

When it is not day,
When it is night, it is not hot,
But rather chillingly freezing: temperature extremes in the desert.

Even fire would retire to shadow in the desert,
Where every day,
It is maddeningly, unbelievably hot.

When isn’t it a hot day in the desert?

I picked you up, embraced you,
Vowed to never let you go.
So sure was I you’d share my special love.
Forever faithful would you be,
Too good to be true.

Yet you lived on unsteady ground,
Tormented forever,
But I couldn’t see it.
Your safety was within my reach,
But I knew not.

You fell, plummeted,
From your lofty height,
The epitome of beauty
Dashed upon sharp rocks,
Body broken beyond compare,
Orbs of life just out of reach.

I tried to save you,
But was too late.
Alas, thou were no more,
Our precious love lost, shattered.
But fear not–
Forever will I remember ye,
My dearest, dearest calculator.

Nothing clear

Vision fading

Everything obsure and

is just simply:

Blurry.

Time keeps on going,

Memory keeps worsening.

Nothing is as it seems:

everything’s all blurry.

I am so tired

of everything.

So tired

of the memories.

So tired

of my vision fading.

I am just

so tired

of one thing and

that is being:

Blurry.

This friday (April 16, 2010) will be the Creative Writing Club meeting of the month in Ms. Betances room (room 318) as always.

We’re having a great big welcome back from Spring Break party so make sure to be there!

Also as always, there will be the reading of great poetry and other literature works, delicious snacks, and the usual, crazy (yet incredibly funny) situations we always seem to find in each meeting. So make sure to stop by.

The meeting will start right after (2:30pm). So make sure to get there on time so you wont disturb the people who’ll be reading out to us some of their great work. And don’t forget to sign in at the door.

Soon you then guys! LOV =)

You are misunderstood.
Your life is
bitter
because of
what everyone does
to bring you into
existence.
For all this nail-biting
you appear
and cause us pain
sharp pinpricks
of hurt.
But worse
than the hurt
of accidentally touching
your hangnail
is the shame
of knowing your
self-control
isn’t strong enough
to restrain you
from biting
and ripping
and destroying
your nails.
Hangnail,
your life
is an embodiment,
a symbol for all to see,
of this shame.
You come as a
punishment
for all anxious people
who have nothing else to do
as they sit and fret
about their grades
but to tear at their nails
and bring you,
oh hangnail,
to life.